I got an email from my mother today. It said:
“I have just heard you are not well and I hope you will soon be better. In spite of everything, I still love you very much.”
It is hard, but I just feel plain old hurt!
Last week I got a diagnosis of a very rare form of auto-immune disease. Without treatment my life expectancy would be around 12-24 months, it’s pretty nasty, and very serious. Treatment is a low dose of chemotherapy by tablet form once a week, and thankfully I don’t seem to have had any major adverse reactions to the first dosage.
So someone must have passed on to her that I am unwell, no doubt they meant well, but I really wish she didn’t know. After all, I saw her this week at our Christian meeting and when I attempted to give her a hug, she shrugged me off, so I certainly don’t FEEL any so called LOVE from her.
On the other point, she loves me still “in spite of everything”? IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING? What? All the times I jumped to attention, all the times I hurt myself to put her first, all the millions of “I’m sorry” that were said to placate her when I’d done nothing wrong?
While many would tell me that she is trying to be nice and I should run to her for a hug, gushing about how glad I am that she STILL loves me, I do not feel the same joyfulness. I feel plain old hurt.
How dare she? How dare she send me a message telling me that she knows I’m sick, and that despite the fact that in her eyes I’m a bad, evil, terrible daughter, she still loves me.
It should have been a message asking for ME to forgive HER in spite of everything she has done, because she loves me and wants to be in my life. Or at the very least it could have been worded more like this “I heard you are unwell. I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I hope you get better soon.”.
Oh I laugh at myself, my disappointment and hurt is ridiculous considering for 35 years I have known this women, and she has never changed.
Maybe she is really trying hard? Maybe it is me. Who know’s, the only thing I feel certain of right now is that my heart aches in my chest.